How to reach out to a mate who has gone quiet (without making it weird)

By Dr Tom Hitchcock, founder of Mr Purple (LinkedIn)

Everyone has one. The mate who used to be at everything and now is not at anything. The group chat name that has not lit up since the footy finished. The bloke you keep meaning to text and keep not texting, because it has been a while now, and a while has turned into long enough that it feels strange.

If you have been wondering how to reach out to a friend who has gone quiet, here is the good news: it is much less awkward than it feels from your side of the phone. Here is how to do it without making it weird.

Why people go quiet

Mostly, it is ordinary life. A new job with odd hours. A move. A break up. Kids. A health thing. Retirement, which takes away the people you used to see every day without trying. Sometimes it is something heavier. Often it is just drift, and drift is nobody's fault.

What matters is that going quiet rarely means someone has stopped caring. It usually means the easy reasons to see each other dried up, and nobody has made a new one yet. You can be the one who does.

The first message matters more than the perfect message

Here is where most of us get stuck. We want the opener to be right. Not too heavy, not too light, not obviously a check in, not obviously ignoring the fact it has been two years. So we draft it in our heads and never send it.

A clumsy message that arrives is worth ten perfect ones that do not. Your mate is not marking it. In our experience, the most common response to "Mate, been ages" is relief.

Three easy openers that actually work

• The memory. "Drove past the old pub today and thought of you. How are you going?" A shared memory says I remember you, without making a big deal of the gap.
• The tiny invitation. "I am grabbing a coffee near you on Saturday morning. Want to join for twenty minutes?" Small, specific and easy to say yes to. Easy to say not this time to, as well.
• The honest one. "I realised we have not caught up in ages and I miss our chats. No agenda, just wanted to say hi." Simple, warm and very hard to take the wrong way.

Notice what none of them do. They do not ask why someone has been quiet, and they do not diagnose anything. They just open the door.

What to expect after you send it

Sometimes you get a reply in four minutes and a coffee booked by Friday. Sometimes you get a thumbs up and nothing else. Sometimes you get silence for a fortnight and then a long message out of nowhere. All of these are normal.

If you do not hear back, that is not a no. Leave it a couple of weeks and try once more, lightly. People who have gone quiet often read a message several times before they feel up to answering it. Your job is not to get a reply. It is to make sure they know the door is open.

If they tell you it has been tough

Sometimes the reply is honest: things have not been great. You do not need to fix it, and you do not need the right words. Listen, say you are glad they told you, and ask what would help, even if the answer is just another coffee next week. If you are worried someone may be in danger, that is a job for the professionals, and the numbers are at the bottom of this page.

Turn the message into a meet up

Texts are a start, but faces are better. Once the door is open, suggest something with an easy shape: a coffee, a walk, a game on the telly, a hardware store run. Doing something side by side takes the pressure off talking, and plenty of good conversations happen while looking at a sausage sizzle rather than at each other.

Make it a habit, not a one off

This is the whole idea behind Kindness Scrolling: once a week, scroll your phone contacts, stop at a name you have not spoken to in a while, and send one simple message. Five minutes. No hair required, though it does help with the glare.

Loneliness rarely announces itself. A hello does not have to either. Pick one name today and send the clumsy message. The worst outcome is that someone knows you were thinking of them.

Common questions

What if it has been years since we spoke?

That is fine, and more common than you would think. Acknowledge it lightly, mention a shared memory and keep the first ask small, like a quick coffee.

What if they do not reply?

Leave it a couple of weeks and try once more, lightly. No reply is not a rejection. People who have gone quiet often need time before they answer.

Should I ask why they went quiet?

Not at first. Open the door and let them share what they want, when they want. Curiosity can wait until you are sitting across a table.

Is the Bald Guys Alliance a support service?

No. We are a peer community, not a counselling or crisis service. If someone may be in danger, call 000, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.